Dead Plants!

I'm looking at a dead plant right now. I tried my hardest to keep it going. But it just won't live. I trimmed the leaves, added some Miracle Grow, watered it but the sucker won't grow. Sometimes I find that is the story of my life. You trim the fat, add some inspiration, read those motivational books, but you just can't grow.
We are really just plants! Same foundation. Same inspiration. Why can't we grow? I have been taking another self inventory. Yeah, I bet you are enthused!  I do this regularly. It helps. Maybe if you keep looking at yourself, you may discover what you need to improve. I don't want to be a dead plant. I want to make a difference. I may not be everything I wanted to be, but I want to do that. But can I make a difference? Maybe, I'm just dead weight. At the mid point in our lives, sometimes you feel like there is something dying inside. I had a thought yesterday about this. I think we look back to often and don't look ahead enough. We miss those things that are opportunities until they pass us by. Instead of regret I want to be excited about the future. I have time to do great things in my life. I have time to make a difference. I am so blessed! I've already done so much but I'm not done yet. I'm just a kid. I have half a life left. As that old saying goes, "I won't quit until they hammer that last nail in my coffin". I'm not dead yet.

Is It Just Me? Or Does CA Suck?

I may be prejudice but I think California sucks. I have traveled a lot in my life and can say this from experience. I will say I enjoy the geological diversity the most of any state. It has pretty good weather. I like that I can be in the snow in the morning and at the beach that evening. It's very, very beautiful. When I'm in the wilderness of CA, it is awesome! But then you come back to reality. The politics suck. The congestion in the cities suck. The rude, aggressive, I need to work my ass off people suck. Where did we go wrong? CA has the largest population of any state. We also have the largest economy of any state. I guess we work our asses off and are a bunch of assholes. But we have one of the largest unemployment rates. There are a lot of people suffering. But "F" them. I can only think about myself. It's all about me. I am the center of the universe. Yeah, me! That's what CA is all about. People have forgotten about others. We live in a bubble or an island. We don't want to hear about the suffering. We pass by the homeless with a sneer. We really don't give a damn about anyone else. We may pretend. There are so many posers. So many liars. So many "friends" that will never be there for you.
When I've traveled to other states and other countries, I was always of the opinion that CA was on top of the world. After my journeys that is no more. We are the land "Of Fruits and Nuts". That is what we are called in the rest of the world. Not in the nice sense either. We are crazy! We suck to the rest of the country and the world. If you are just learning this, you are not a traveler. Get out more often. Think outside of yourself. We have one of the best locations on earth and we can't get our act together. Maybe we attract the weirdos. But we also allow those weirdos to inhabit our space. We are such a tolerant bunch! Live and let live! It's all relative. Do what you feel and that's right. Bull Shit!
I need my waders now. It's getting deep. Start living as a living, breathing human. Start caring about others. Stop having road rage and slow down. You will die no matter what you do. So why not make your life count. Why "F" it up for someone else? How about instead of thinking about you and yours, you think about the people that piss you off? Make their life better. Maybe then they will not piss you off anymore. Wow I must be Gandhi or something. Jeez, what a concept! How about we stop being assholes in CA and be the state that leads our country? We are able to do that. Stop sitting behind your computer or TV and get out there and make a difference. Even a nobody can lead a nation. If you believe it, you can do it!
So if you keep sitting on your butt, I will have to move. Don't do it! Let's do it together. We can change CA.

Strickly For The Kids

Hey, why are you reading this? Are you my children? Do you want to know more about what it's like to be a dad in limbo? Read on!
I guess there are some bad fathers out there. I know I've known my share. But I think we have evolved. Maybe it's society or the media or just maybe it's a sense that we need to be better fathers. I know I've learned from my mistakes. I was often very hard on my kids. I thought it would make them productive. It did but it also seperated us. It made it harder. I don't think you should be your child's friend, but you should be their confidant. You need to listen. I didn't always listen. In my scheme of things, I was the boss. That was it. I was wrong. Kids will grow and mature at their own rate. They will take your example and make it work for them. I love my children with all my heart and would do anything for them. They are my life. If I have any purpose on this planet, I hope its to raise my children to be an inspiration to others. They are wonderful! I am so proud of each and every one of them. They all are unique. I wouldn't have it any other way. If I have learned anything, it is this. Love your children and always be there for them. Don't judge, just guide. Keep them safe. Die for them. Be the man you aspire too. Don't let them down. Be honest and let them know you aren't perfect. Life is hard. I think I did my best at the time. But I know I can do better. I will never give up. I will never let my children down. What ever it takes, that is where I will be. Are you a good father? Are you the man you aspire too be? Can you do more? Do it! Now! Don't wait. Be strong, Man up! Grow up!
Stop being a kid!

My Mid-Life Crisis

I guess everyone goes through some sort of mid-life crisis. Some think they must impress others to show they are still good looking. Some buy things to make up for their insecurities. I just think it's a good time to take inventory. Have I done everything I thought I would? Have I gone everywhere I thought I would? Am I the person I thought I would be? Why not? What can I still do? Can I make a difference?
We all want to feel worthy. When we get to this mid-way point, it's humbling. I know everyone will get there. You think about it all. My job, my family, my loves, my worth. Have I made an influence? Can I die today and feel whole? I guess that's why people go off the deep end. I don't blame them, I just pity them. Our hormones will take us too where we do not want to be. I am so lucky to be with Jeanne. She is where I want to be. She feels the same. It only took 3 strikes but I won!. I know if you keep looking, you will finally find the prize. It still takes work. I am not going to take this for granted. I know my mid-life is making me restless. I don't know if I'm worth a damn sometimes. I do know that my family loves me! That's a good feeling. If I die today, I know I'm in a good place. I have a wife that loves me and I her. I have children that love me and I them. I know that I need to do more in my life. I am restless! I can do more! I don't want to be happy and content. I want to give it all. I will be a better person. I will see more of the world. I will do the things I aspired too when I was young. There are no limits! I will succeed!
Don't ever give up. Always give thanks for what you have. Appreciate everyone in your life that you care about. Love life!

Are We Failures??

Sometimes I think I'm a failure. What have I accomplished in life? I've screwed up in almost everything I've done. I haven't been good with women. I haven't been great with my career. And I don't know if I'll even be remembered. But I guess I keep coming back to my core. I know that I am loved. My kids love me. My wife loves me. My family loves me. And I know God loves me.
Even when I get very depressed and am feeling sorry for myself, I know there is love for me. Sometimes I don't want to admit it and I'm down, down, down...But I really know. Even if every living soul gave up on me, I would be loved by God. Will I leave a legacy? Maybe not. All I can do is try to touch people every day. Give a helping hand, stop and talk to the lost. Just be an influence for a kid. You may not have a book written about you. But I know God sees it.
What is failure? I think it's giving up or giving in. I am guilty of both. Please forgive me. I will try and do better. I know I can. I am OK. I will succeed in spite of my circumstances. I am a child of God. When God is for me, who can be against me? I have just closed a chapter in my life today. I have finished my Bankruptcy. I went to the Trustee today for the last meeting. It was a relief. Now I am moving forward. I will never give up. Now I will look to the future and strive to complete the rest of my goals. Until the day I die, I will never be at peace. There is always more to do. I want to look away from myself and look outwards to what is around me. Can you help? Keep up the good fight! Press onwards. Pray for me. I need it.
I don't believe we are failures unless we give up and die. If you need help, ask for it. I will help. I need help. We are stronger when we work together. We are not islands.
We are not failures!

Feed My Body to the Dogs!

It is very, very sad when people loose a loved one. But your sadness is for yourself. Sadness and grief will never help those who have lost their lives. I understand the grieving process but cannot give ground to those who exacerbate this most miserable time. I would have to say........Get Over It! They are dead. They do not hear your moaning. You are just trying to satisfy yourself. I am not callous in the least. I am just being realistic. Celebrate their lives. Have a party. Please, please never moan for me. Even if I am the best person on earth, I am gone! Feed my body to some animal that may benefit from the meat. If you must, just bury me in a pine box out in the back yard. Nobody is worth the expense of a fancy funeral. Take the money and feed the poor. I would much rather give in my death then have a bunch of whiners, crying and carrying on. I don't believe in graveyards. I think they are so degrading to the people who lived. I don't want to be in a plot of land so people can leave fake flowers and cry and moan over me. What is that. Why do we believe we have to mourn? Just tell the people you love that you love them everyday and really show them. Stop holding back. Don't be a fake. Stop being a poser.
I feel sadness for the people who lost their lives in 9-11. But I feel that sadness for everyone who has lost their lives for injustice or nothing. God never forgets. He loves us all. You are not insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I am wondering why we forget about all the people who have died since 9-11 because of cancer and lung problems and all the other by-products of a 110 story building falling down. They are just as important. So are the family and so are each and every one of you. When a person dies they need to be celebrated not mourned. Celebrate life don't mourn death.
Now eat me!

Are We Insane?

I know most people are not too worried about this question. But most people are sheep. How many people take a personal inventory on a regular basis. I don't believe too many. Do you wake up in the morning and take your first waking breath and lay still and think? What a wonderful thing that I have lived another day. How can I change my world this day? Can I make a difference in any one's life? Can I improve myself? How can I keep going in such a screwed up world? Is my input even important? Are my children going to be safe with all those crazies out there?
I think most people are numb. Comfortably Numb as Pink Floyd likes to say. Brush your teeth, take a crap, get ready for the grind. We are numb to all the pain and all the violence and all the things that are wrong with this world. We can look at the TV at night and cruise by the deaths and the suicides and the injustices that are our world. Why did it get so screwed up? How is it that you..........a very loving, caring person on the outside can be so hollow on the inside? Every breath you take may be your last. No matter your religious beliefs, that's a fact! If you are a Christian then you may have Eternal Life and be Saved and all that but have you done a damn thing for the glory of God? Faith without works is dead! Are you dead inside and just waiting for all your gold roads and stuff? Do you pass by someone in need? Homeless, broke down car, someone hitching, someone short of change at the store, anybody going through a door. Yes, make those excuses. I'm in a hurry, it's just not safe, someone else will be along. Think about all the BS that you say to yourself every day. Wake up. You will be in the GHETTO of heaven. God may let you in but He will not be happy. He didn't say, "What you do for the least of my brothers you do unto me" and then put in, "But if it's dangerous or you feel a little uncomfortable forget it". Grow up, don't be a sheep. Stop listening to those who will keep you down. Rise up and be an individual. Be an asset and not an ass! For you who are not believers in God then what the hell are you waiting for? If this may be your last day then wouldn't you like to at the very least leave a legacy? If all you are doing is wasting your life and going through the motions, then jump! We may save some food and air and such. Good for the environment. Could grind your body into mulch and feed the plants. If you believe that all you are is worm food at death then why are you wasting my time? Get it over all ready.
But I will tell you this.......YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE! No doubt in my mind. I am not legally insane yet, so you may want to contemplate this. You are important and with every breath you take you can move forward and improve and make the world a better place. You are not worm food, it's not helpless and there is a God who loves us! So get off your ass and think positive. If you don't then we are lost. We will become insane and just drool all over ourselves.
If I can make it then anyone can. I will share with you my private life.
I was abandoned by my natural father at a very early age. I was abused severely as a child, physically and emotionally. I have been on my own since I was 16. I have been divorced twice, I have had cancer 3 times, I have lost my house, my car, my job but never my self esteem. All adversary can lead to betterment. If you never give up and stop feeling sorry for yourself and believe then you will move on. You can always make a difference. There are always blessings. When you are down look to help others. Get the focus off of you. Don't keep doing the same things and expect different results. That's insanity.